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Next update in 5 minutes#1 score: 0.722
The difference between a Top Secret document, and a document designated 'For Official Use Only,' is that the latter can be used as a doorstop in any US Government facility, while the former may only serve this function inside a secure US Government vault. |
 category: humor | comment | added 6 weeks ago | from 'The Naked Intelligence Officer'#2 score: 0.550 #3 score: 0.535 #4 score: 0.484
Are you kidding me, the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? Yeah, that's who you want in the White House during a time of crisis. When she got a phone call at 3 in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten in the garbage can.
I think this is pertinent because McCain has been running this campaign based on 'We're at war, it's a dangerous world out there. The democrats don't get that. I John McCain am the only one standing between the blood-thirsty Al Qaedas and you. But if I die, this stewardess can handle it.' |
category: comedy | comment | added 11 weeks ago#5 score: 0.484 |
This isn't a presidential ticket, this is a sitcom. The maverick and the MILF. |
category: comedy | comment | added 11 weeks ago#6 score: 0.291
Top Ten Ways To Make The U.S. Open More Exciting
10. Ten ball boys, nine uniforms
9. Extra point awarded for nailing opponent in the Adam's apple
8. Ball replaced with ready-to-hatch ostrich egg
7. Uh, cookies?
6. Bring in some of them Olympic beach volleyball babes
5. Make Federer even more Federerer
4. Two words: 'lectrified net
3. Players must begin match with blood alcohol levels of .10
2. Get Andy Dick to spice up the Gatorade
1. Even though she has no experience, put Sarah Palin in the finals |
category: comedy | comment | added 10 weeks ago#7 score: 0.291
How about the new star of the Republican party, Ms. Sarah Palin? Wow. The media loves her. The headlines were all 'Palin delivered.' I said, another baby?
Oh, and she's got jokes. She had jokes. She said, 'What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick.' Also, you can neuter a pit bull. |
category: comedy | comment | added 10 weeks ago#8 score: 0.291
This is the first convention I could remember, where they didn't say the name of the man who should be the titular head of the party. He is the president of the United States, George Bush. Except for the protestors outside, you never heard that name, or any reference to George Bush, except for the part about loving children with special needs.
Bush didn't make the convention because the hurricane, Gustav, hit New Orleans, but actually didn't. Bush was at the Hurricane Command Center, taking credit for a perfect emergency response to a perfect non-emergency. Although he actually did cause some panic, because viewers at home saw him sitting there, doing nothing, and they thought maybe it was another terrorist attack. |
category: comedy | comment | added 10 weeks ago#9 score: 0.291
Oh beautiful, for smoggy skies, o'er insecticide waves of grain, and strip-mined mountain's majesty, above the asphalt plains! America, America, man sheds his waste on thee! And hides the pines, with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea! |
category: comedy | comment#10 score: 0.291
There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that *they* exist. [...]
So what shall I make of the voice that spoke to me recently as I was scuttling around getting ready for yet another spell on a chat-show sofa?
More accurately, it was a memory of a voice in my head, and it told me that everything was OK and things were happening as they should. For a moment, the world had felt at peace. Where did it come from?
Me, actually - the part of all of us that, in my case, caused me to stand in awe the first time I heard Thomas Tallis's Spem In Alium, and the elation I felt on a walk one day last February, when the light of the setting sun turned a ploughed field into shocking pink; I believe it's what Abraham felt on the mountain and Einstein did when it turned out that E=mc2.
It's that moment, that brief epiphany when the universe opens up and shows us something, and in that instant we get just a sense of an order greater than Heaven and, as yet at least, beyond the grasp of Stephen Hawking. It doesn't require worship, but, I think, rewards intelligence, observation and enquiring minds.
I don't think I've found God, but I may have seen where gods come from. |
category: scifi/fantasy/horror | comment | added 4 months ago | Full article#11 score: 0.291
Top Ten Democratic National Convention Pickup Lines
10. Wanna form a more perfect union?
9. Something's rising and it's not the national debt
8. I'm stiffer than John Kerry
7. Let's go someplace and release our delegates
6. Care to join the wife and me for a little "bipartisanship?"
5. I'll make you scream like Howard Dean
4. Now that's what I call a stimulus package
3. I'm gonna Barack your world
2. Wanna pretend we're Republicans and have gay bathroom sex?
1. Hi, I'm John Edwards |
 video | category: comedy | comment | added 12 weeks ago#12 score: 0.291
All right, and finally, New Rule: Republicans must stop saying Obama is an elitist and just admit you don't like him because of something he can't help, something that's a result of the way he was born. Admit it. You're not voting for him because he's smarter than you.
[...] Karl Rove described Obama as - quote - "the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and making snide comments about everyone who passes by." Unlike George Bush, who is the guy at the country club who makes snide comments and then passes out.
[...] Americans are so narcissistic that our candidates have to be just like us: not very bright. And that's where the McCain camp gets their strategy. Paint Obama as cocky and arrogant and wait for America to vote him off like the black guy in every reality show.
A black president? Half of Pennsylvania isn't ready for a black quarterback! Forget Obama. They think Will Smith needs to be taken down a peg. And they may be right about that one, I can tell you. |
video | category: comedy | comment | added 10 weeks ago | Full transcript#13 score: 0.226 #14 score: 0.216
I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped [9/11] happen.' |
video | category: religion | comment | added 20 months ago#15 score: 0.216 |
I listen to feminists and all these radical gals -- most of them are failures. They've blown it. Some of them have been married, but they married some Casper Milquetoast who asked permission to go to the bathroom. These women just need a man in the house. That's all they need. Most of the feminists need a man to tell them what time of day it is and to lead them home. And they blew it and they're mad at all men. Feminists hate men. They're sexist. They hate men -- that's their problem. |
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