#1 score: 0.989

You can have my Unix system when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.
category: humor | comment

#2 score: 0.920

They say you shouldn't say nothin' about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.
category: comedy | comment

#3 score: 0.902

#4 score: 0.867

#5 score: 0.853

Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?
category: journalism | comment

#6 score: 0.839

A lie is an act of self-abdication, because one surrenders one's reality to the person to whom one lies, making that person one's master, condemned from then on to faking the sort of reality that person's view requires to be faked ... The man who lies to the world is the world's slave from then on.
category: literature (modern) | comment

#7 score: 0.835

Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." Obvious, isn't it? Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed individuals and then grow.... Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I think not, my friend, I think not.
category: humor | comment

#8 score: 0.767

Spirtle, n.: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye.
category: comedy | comment

#9 score: 0.767

Snacktrek, n.: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.
category: comedy | comment

#10 score: 0.767

Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
category: comedy | comment

#11 score: 0.647

#12 score: 0.638

#13 score: 0.553

#14 score: 0.548

#15 score: 0.521

Shelby: "Data was available. I took him, we came."
category: scifi/fantasy/horror | comment

#16 score: 0.500

#17 score: 0.360

I came here to say that I do not recognize anyone's right to one minute of my life. Nor to any part of my energy. Nor to any achievement of mine. No matter who makes the claim, how large their number or how great their need. I wished to come here and say that I am a man who does not exist for others.
category: literature (modern) | comment

#18 score: 0.353

#19 score: 0.319

#20 score: 0.257

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