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The Spook's Toast: May your intelligence estimates always surpass the estimates of your intelligence. |
 category: humor | comment | added 2 days ago
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Better to be a Christian fed to lions, than a lion fed to Christians. |
category: humor | comment | added 2 days ago
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Whoever said 'the higher the buildings, the lower the morals' had no idea what was being built underground. |
category: humor | comment | added 2 days ago
President Obama told a group of high school kids not to blow their college money in Las Vegas and people in Las Vegas are very upset. Without these kids’ college funds, who is going to take care of the ventriloquists and the prostitutes? |
category: comedy | comment | added 4 days ago
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Experience is a double agent. |
category: humor | comment | added 2 days ago
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Today, by the way, is Groundhog Day. And this morning, the groundhog known to humans as Punxsutawney Phil was ripped from his hole by men dressed like the mayor in Monopoly. The animal rights group PETA has asked the organizers of this ridiculous event to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robot groundhog. You create one robot groundhog, and before you know it, they take over the planet, you have to send people back in time to exterminate them and then we have no governor anymore. It's not a good idea. |
category: comedy | comment | added 4 days ago
I read in The New York Times that the Obama administration is planning huge changes to President Bush's 'No Child Left Behind' law. The new law will be called, 'Let's Face It, Some Kids Are Just Duds.' |
category: comedy | comment | added 4 days ago
Remember when they hanged Saddam Hussein? Well, you remember his buddy, Chemical Ali. Well, he got hanged over the weekend. And his wife was Chemical Shirley. Do you remember Chemical Shirley? I was just wondering is it too soon to hit on Chemical Shirley? |
category: comedy | comment | added 4 days ago
Great Britain and America now have proposed a half-billion-dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. And if it works there, they're going to offer the same deal to NBA players. |
category: comedy | comment | added 4 days ago
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Well, tonight in Washington, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address before a joint session of Congress. Joint session sounds like more fun than it is. |
category: comedy | comment | added 4 days ago
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Humor
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It's not a loophole – it's a policy flexibility assurance aperture. |
category: humor | comment | added 10 days ago
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Is it that the Wikipedia logo looks like the Death Star, or that the Death Star looks like the Wikipedia logo? |
category: humor | comment | added 10 days ago
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WWJD: What Would Jesus Declassify? |
category: humor | comment | added 10 days ago
Andy Dick was arrested again this weekend. All I have to say is, “Your move, Mel Gibson.” |
category: comedy | comment | added 12 days ago
We have the “Mythbusters” guys on the show tonight. These guys are my heroes and it’s really something to meet your heroes. This is like Derek Jeter meeting Babe Ruth, or Mel Gibson meeting Hitler.
I like that there’s a whole show about busting myths, because Fox and MSNBC have got a lot of shows about creating myths.
It’s the only place on TV where you can see things getting destroyed for no reason, other than late night NBC. |
category: comedy | comment | added 12 days ago
Top Ten Things To Be Happy About
10. Still no Larry King sex tapes
9. America has a rich surplus of Kardashians
8. The Taco Bell drive-thru diet
7. More aggressive friskings at our nation's airports
6. Jets coach Rex Ryan is sort of like the funny fat guy on "Cheers"
5. Go to YouTube, type "kitties" and thank me later
4. Only three more entries on this list
3. Renee Zellweger is proving that you can be fun and flirty at 40
2. Snooki and "The Situation" got busy in the hot tub, while Vinnie and Ronnie went tanning and didn't tell J-Woww
1. For once, things are finally starting to go Jay Leno's way |
category: comedy | comment | added 12 days ago
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The late night wars are finally over. I'm kind of amazed I'm still here, too. Jay Leno said he's going to go on the Oprah Winfrey show and tell his side of the story. I never thought I'd say this, but watch your back, Oprah. |
category: comedy | comment | added 12 days ago
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Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints. They're going to the Super Bowl. The Saints beat the Vikings. Former President George Bush Sr., he was at the game. Now, his son George W. was invited. But you know him, when it comes to New Orleans, he's always, like, two weeks late. |
category: comedy | comment | added 12 days ago
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During his acceptance speech Tuesday, newly-elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that two of his older daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? 'Four score and seven years ago,' 'Ask not what your country can do for you,' 'I have a dream,' and now, 'My daughters are both available.' |
category: comedy | comment | added 12 days ago
NBC and I hammered out an agreement for wrapping up my time here as host of the 'Tonight Show.' The general terms of the contract are all over the Internet. But there are some provisions in the contract you may not know about: I am prohibited from coming within 500 yards of 11:30. I must return the Etch-A-Sketch my contract was written on. I'm not allowed to make fun of NBC programming. I have to let the programming speak for itself. The cop who escorts me off the lot after my last show must have the rank of lieutenant or higher. Max Weinberg must surrender his key to the women's locker room at the NBC gym. Have to watch at least one NBC show every weeknight in order to double ratings. Effective today, NBC will stop paying for Andy Richter's medical marijuana, and medical Jack Daniels. Must stop production on my documentary expose of NBC: "Inside the 'Cock.' |
category: comedy | comment | added 12 days ago
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